Selfishness

I am in no way presentable to make a video, but I wanted to talk so I figured I would write a post. I’ve been a little conflicted in my head, as of late. I know that I’m always roughly that way, but things really have started to bug me. If I let one thing get me down I kind of spiral into this semi-depression and I feel everything is bad, and everything upsets me. I’ve been doing this a lot in concerns to my weight, which has only skyrocketed to turn to my job, and the feeling of no self worth.

I really, really, despise being overweight. Obese. Really. I hate how I feel, I hate how I look. I hate that I have little to no self confidence. I hate that I don’t feel pretty. I hate knowing that I’m going to die because of something I am doing to myself and I hate how I can change it, but I’m not. I can’t get into the mind set of just taking the first few steps. I’ve done it before and have been fairly successful. I am desperate to get back to that, and I really don’t know how. I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this, this internal struggle to want to be better but not doing, especially since work and social life has been kind of slow. I’ve been able to kind of harp on it, and not focus on much of anything else which really isn’t a great situation. Humana is starting up soon, so I know that if I don’t prioritize now, things won’t happen because I simply won’t have time.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll mention it again. I really wish that I could say that I want to lose weight to be healthy and to live longer. And I really have tried to make that my mission, but it’s not. It simply isn’t. I want to lose the weight for all the selfish reasons. I want to look pretty, I want the confidence, I want it to not be a struggle to meet guys that I actually like because of the way I look. I want to find clothes easier. I want sit in a chair and not feel like I’m crowding the other person. The sad thing is, in any other aspect of my life I’m not this. I put others needs before myself. I care more about others than I do myself.

I think I’m slowly coming to realize that part of my struggle with weightloss is the subconscience telling me that I’m wanting to do it for the wrong reasons. That I shouldn’t feel the want to do it for the superficial reasons but do it for my health, and the quality of my life. I’m telling myself that what I’m feeling is not ok, and that I need to think of the greater good as opposed to the shallow self. And this is wrong. Yes, it is great to want to invest a healthy lifestyle because of those reasons but it is ok to want to be completely selfish. It is ok. I’ve been at this weight for so long, been in this self imposed bubble for far too long for it not to be ok to be selfish. For me.

And you know what? That’s what I’m going to do. I’m not saying that I’ll be perfect, or even begin to start being better but I am going to do this on my own terms and for my own reasons. I want to be thin so I can get the attraction of the guys I want. I want to be able to go to the store and find clothes in my size. I want to sit in a chair with my foot up. I want this for my own reasons whether I think they are right or wrong. And dammit, I want to be pretty. I’m not selfish for wanting this for these reasons, and it is ok to think like this. Not everything has to be about other people, I can leave some things for myself.

It’s funny how impowering words can be. Even when they have just been written.

Trader Joe’s! Trader Joe’s!

 

Hi!

So normally I would do a video on this, but seeing as I haven’t posted in a while and I do not have the want to fuss with any sort of editing or trying to get my computer to decide it likes me enough to record, I figured that writing a post on it would be the best thing.

Today was the grand opening of Trader Joe’s here in Louisville. As someone who was part of the hundreds who contacted Trader Joe’s store suggestions page, and made many a voyage to Trader Joe’s not within my immediate vicinity this is a dream come true. I knew it would be crowded, and chances are not much left on the shelves but when I got there I found myself pleasently surprise that A) I found a parking spot and B) food was still on the shelves. As an added bonus, there were even shopping baskets!

I had a half day at work today to make up for the fact we’d be going in tomorrow night to strike Tom Sawyer. I know that this played a pivital role in the reason I was able to find that parking spot and food, but luck was on my side today and I wasn’t angry about that. I didn’t want to buy a lot, honestly I just wanted a few things and just to check it out. Get the lay of the land, and see how big it was. It was crowded, no doubt about that, but I was able to make it through and get some things that I wanted.

I decided early on that I wanted at the very least a package of beefless strips. From there I decided that I should actually find some whole meals so I can get some things, not spend all my money on trail mixes (which I got none of, thank you very much). I ended up getting supplies for fajitas/quesadillas. I’ve been in a hotdog mood, and with TJ brand vegetarian packaged foods being a good dollar less than name brand, I figured I would try it out. Especially since I could buy frozen things without fearing that I didn’t pack a cooler enough with ice and the two hour car trip would make it defrost.

I got:

• 3 Cheese Blend
• Beefless Strips (obviously AFTER I opened them)
• Chickenless Strips
• Chile and Garlic Tortillas
• Sour Cream
• Veggie Corn Dogs
• Guacamole Hummus (Not pictured)
• Dried Mango Slices (Not pictured)
• Fire Roasted Pepper Mix (Not pictured)

Am I going to shop at TJ a lot now? No. Trader Joe’s is, and has always been, a treat store. I don’t go there for real whole foods, I go their for packaged items. That being said, the occasional “I’m out of a frozen veggie product run” will always show up, along with the fact that their dried fruit and nuts section by far surpasses anyone in town, means that I will go every now and then. Especially now that it’s just opened up.

I also bought some tofu, which I plan on making a video about. When I first tried to prepare tofu packed in water, I didn’t know what I was doing. I ended with a soggy mess. I figured someone out there will benefit from a video tutorial on how to press and prepare tofu for the first time. Also, I wanted to try it out!

Any TJ suggestions now that I can get them? I’m open to try anything, especially if it’s frozen!

veganism.

It seems that past couple of days, or even weeks the word vegan has been creeping up. Part of the reason, I realize, is that I am vegetarian (well, almost there. Got to kick the fish) and it’s the next logical step but it has been coming up a lot more often than when I first went pescatarian.

Today, while at work doing some notes before tech went up for Tom Sawyer me and a co-worker were talking about how his wife was going vegan for a week. Her reason is that she is a writer, and it is an experiment for an article she is writing. We continued the talk in the van ride back to the shop and we were going through the different and many ways of going vegan. Vegan only in diet, vegan in diet and lifestyle. Eco-vegan. Vegan because of intolerance or health reasons. Vegan because you love animals. Vegan because you don’t like to think of eating the flesh of another. Vegan because of a traumatic experience.

As I thought about it in the context of the conversation, I got to think about my viewpoint of veganism. I haven’t really given it much thought than reading a couple of vegan blogs, or trying the random vegan dessert. I slowly began to realize that one day I would like to at least prime myself to take the steps to become vegan. I’m not even close to it right now in my life, obviously because of my absolute love of cheese and the need to have at least something on the menu other than a salad for me to not go crazy while dining out (which is why I still eat fish), but I am closer than most. I am actually fond of most vegan things. I’ve never liked the taste of milk, so I already really only have nut/rice milks in my foods. I’ve made many a recipe without eggs because of the lack of some on hand, and the readily available mason jar full of ground flax seed. Eggs generally creep me out if I think about it too long. I love breakfast, and will lean towards that if given the choice but sometimes here at the house I can’t make myself to get over making them myself.

I do have my reservations that tend to stop me when I think I could be vegan. I really hate the fact that I’d have to analyze every box, or every menu to make sure I don’t mistakenly eat something. I really don’t like people who try to push their viewpoint on others. It’s one of the things I detested when I was Christian. I never, ever once felt that someone was less of a person, or not a good person because they didn’t share my viewpoint. Trying to push someone to do what you do is not only mean, but forcing them to not even want to give it any sort of attention. Now, I’m not saying everyone does this but I have met more than my share of people who do fall into this category.

Diet changes are hard, no matter what they are and nothing good really comes of rushing through it. That being said, I have decided to consciously incorporate more vegan food into my diet than I have been. I really believe that it does help in weight loss and in the impact my diet has on the environment, and the animals who are mistreated to allow me to eat whatever. Will I be perfect? Not even in the slightest. Is there a possibility of never actually becoming vegan? Of course, but I’d rather say I tried it the right way (slow and steady) and it just didn’t work out for me than to just give up because it becomes overwhelming and then feel bad for myself and think that everyone perceives me as a failure.

Doing things for the right reasons for yourself and not someone else’s is the only way to suceed.

planning.

Lists

I’ve spent the day being relatively productive. I guess that’s what happens when you have a cat that thinks it’s a crime to sleep in past 7 am on the weekend. Sure, I haven’t done any of my laundry, or put away the dishes in my dishwasher (which may or may not have been in there for about a week…) but I’ve been doing some things and sorting out all the things slushing around in my head.

Obviously I haven’t been making videos, even more obviously since you are reading what I’m writing currently I haven’t blogged in a while. Sorry about that. I know I always make excuses, and then say I’m just making excuses in this fun little cycle but the fact of the matter is I haven’t felt the want…or really need to write down anything or record a video. Sure, I still have to update about my weigh-in from last Sunday, but I’ve been kind of blah on my creativity.

I changed that today and finally sat down and wrote a list of some of the videos I want to do, and blogs that I write. I always have ideas, and then never write them down and forget about them when it comes time to having an idea that I give up and not post. If I don’t have anything that I’m passionate about, or think is fun to talk about I just don’t care to do anything. I guess that’s part of the reason why I’m never consistent in keeping up things. I love the idea of having a blog and a video series, but I can never remember the things to make them fun and exciting for me.

I have probably mentioned it one thousand times, but I love, love, LOVE lists. Whether I follow them or not I make them. And that is what I have done. I have a ton of ideas of things to write and talk about, and now that I have this list I think actually doing them in a somewhat scheduled manner will actually be accomplished this go around. I also can do some of these things in advance, so the times that I am busy and legitimately have an excuse for not posting, I can have a backlog and not worry.

We’ll see, but for right now I’m excited that I have things to talk about.

If anyone who reads this blog wants to know more about something, or have any ideas of what you would like to see/read from me about let me know!

rainy days.

This is my first post since last week, obviously my goal of writing two post a week is not turning out so well. Such is life I suppose…or at least my life. I’m a tried and true procrastinator especially when I have nothing of importance to say and don’t want to search for the words to say them.This week has been just that…nothing to write about. I did experience a weight loss that I did record on my channel. That was nice.

I am currently enjoying the cold, rainy air outside on my balcony. It’s amazing to finally be getting to consistent fall type weather climates. I absolutely love fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I love everything associated with it. I love the weather, especialy now that I live in  a place that actually has the weather. I love the look of leaves changing. I love the colors. I love pumpkins, apple cider, and root vegetables. Witches, ghosts, and monsters. Scary movies on the TV. Karl and Jay’s never ending list of things to do for Halloween. Thanksgiving plans. I love it all. It makes me happy. This is the time that I enjoy life, especially when it requires being wrapped up in a blanket.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About where my life is, and where it has come from. Some of those thoughts are happy, some are sad, and some are dissapointing. I’ve been mulling over the dissapoint more than I should. I can’t really help. Can anybody really? I mean, we might say that we can just block it out, but there are going to be times you think about it. Whether it be in a passing moment, or when you realize things in life might have been just a bit easier if those dissapointments hadn’t occured.

I’m not who I want to be fully, but in a lot of ways I am. I have found a job I love. I work with an amazing amount of people. Some days are tough, always, but for the most part I am generally content with that aspect. I have a roof over my head, I’m finally getting into my brain to eat better, healthier for me (and the planet), I have kitten who may be a butthead but I love her to pieces so much that I’m willing to find her another cat because I feel horrible to leave her alone during the day.

But theere are some things I’m not happy with. I’m not happy with my body, obviously. But the thing is I’ve shifted to just my weight being a nussance to it really effecting my choices and my self esteem. I have never not been overweight, but back in middle school and high school I didn’t have such a self esteeem problem. Sure, I was still as quiet as ever but I never let things get to me. I think college, and more importantly senior year of college really did damage. Whether the people in my life want to believe it or not a lot of things transpired that made me doubt myself. Doubt myself that I would ever make it in anything. Doubt myself that I could ever be worth something. Doubt myself that the people you love wouldn’t just use you for their own needs, and ruin yours. Doubt that I could do anything. Doubt that I could ever be loved.

It’s so easy to blame others, but it’s just as easy to say that others don’t have some sort of real effect on you. It’s a fact whether we wish to believe or not that no matter what, sometimes our emotions can lead to effecting our psyche. I think it’s just as horrible to blame something fully on someone as it is to say that the reason you feel that way shouldn’t be linked to those events. Sometimes I think about what happened, and get really depressed. I get angry and upset that some sort of karma is not taking over becuase I wish it to be. I want the world to look in my favor, but it doesn’t.

I am slowly trying to accept that to myself. To realize that not everything is going to be fair. Not everything is going to be right. At least not how I want it to be. I need to focus on myself and realize that I am better for having gone through that journey. Knowing who I want to be, and who I want to associate myself with. To realize who is in my life for good, not just for a lesson. There are some lessons I wish I had never gone through, but looking back in the end it has helped me whether I choose to listen to my head or not.

I will never be always ok with that fact…and that’s just how it is. We shouldn’t dwell on the past, but we also shouldn’t dwell on the fact that the past has a way of creeping into our heads and hearts. Making us doubt who we are, and who we will be. It is going to be that way. We are humans.We have emotions. And that is ok.

I am working on slowly loving myself. I haven’t since I let negativity in my life, and the events that I had no control of creeped in. Will it take time? Absolutely. But I am worth. I am worth fighting for what I want for myself. To loving my body, and my mind. For loving the person I was, and the person that I have become. This rocky weight loss journey, as silly as it sounds, really has helped me see the whole picture. Not just a piece. I will find that self assurance again.

I am worth fighting for.

Weigh-In #16 (per my Youtube channel)

This week I weighed in at 324, a loss of 1.2 lbs! I’m super excited about this, because I continued my slow introduction into this weight loss change, and only made mental notes of what I ate, and nothing more.

Because of the loss, I felt the need to up my game, and I am currently logging everything I eat. I’m not counting calories, but I am writing down everything. I feel that doing this, and getting into a routine of chronicling my eating, it will not only help me focus more on the types of food I eat, but help with portions and mindless eating. I think it will also help when I gradually introduce calorie counting back – the bane of my existence! I hope that getting used to writing down everything I eat will help ease my frustrations with calorie counting, because it has been proven to work for me

tired.

Hello. Here it is the end of the week and I am just now writing my second post of the week, right after filming my second video. Procrastinator, that is what I am. I’ll make this entry short and sweet, considering I don’t have too much to write about.

This week has been ok.  A little busy which is part of the reason I haven’t done this post until now. If there were more hours in the day, or if we didn’t have to sleep I would get a bunch of things done. Sadly that’s not the case and here I am making a video at 8 am on a Saturday morning because someone (I’m looking at you, Lizzy) had to stand on me and purring in my face at 7 am.

I’ve spent a while thinking, and I think this week is when I kind of push up the diet to a new level. I have spent these past few weeks just watching at what I ate, not really doing anything to it, just observing. Now, I need to start writing down each little thing. Start off at the basics. Journaling helped, so it’s a no-brainer to start it again.

Until tomorrow for the weigh-in…

to look to the future

Hi!

So, if you hadn’t realized I started back on my Youtube channel (finally!) and I’m super excited about it even though I wasn’t super excited to tell the world my super high weight. I’ve made it my mission that no matter what I will do at least two videos a week on that channel. I still weigh-in on Sundays, but in the cases of days I forget to weigh-in I’ll still make a video to make up for that whether it be a recipe, or to just talk to the camera randomly. On that front, I’ve decided to propose a challenge to myself on this blog as well. Call it the September challenge if you will. I will blog at least 3 times a week.

Last week my weigh-in was at 325.2. I know, I know. Trust me, I’m still trying to cope with it. When you’ve jumped up that high it makes it really hard to reevaluate what to do and move forward. But, I keep telling myself not to dwell in the past, but to look to the future. I can’t get higher, I don’t want to get higher. I’ve got to move my butt and get my weight down! I’ve notice the weight doing terribly things to me physically. I don’t want to do anything just because normal activities make me more tired than ever and that absolutely scares me. I don’t like how I look, I can’t fit into any of the jeans that I could months ago, work is harder, doing things after work like extra work or going out takes a lot of me. I look horrible and most days don’t even want anyone to see me. I don’t want this cycle to continue, and I absolutely do not to gain more weight. Period.

So what am I going to do? Start from the absolute very beginning. Watching what I eat and making subtle choices, then gradually over time step it up more. I’m going to post more on this site, and post more on Youtube because when I have something to do with all the change and the (hopeful) weight loss it’s really empowering to be able to track it down and see it on paper. The things that helped me before, I’m just going to do and not wine about it (like I have).

This weeks weigh-in came out to a maintain. I didn’t do anything this week but regroup and think about things. I’ve also had two big things happen this week. Not to make excuses, but lets be real that life does make an absolute impact on emotions and the way they handle things. First, was completing a huge outside gig which Heather and I realized half way through that we shouldn’t have accepted, and the second and best thing-in my opinion- is that I got a cat! Well, kitten. She’s 6-7 months old, and absolutely adorable. I got her from a friend who had been fostering her since they found her in the alley next to their house. Her name is Lizzy and she’s a calico. I think she is finally getting used to things, and realizing that she finally has a home and has become more playful and rambunctious. I don’t think she’s really had a kitten life yet and she’s finally getting that combined with a whole house of toys and consistent good food and water. The only problem is that she loves 6 am Second was finishing a huge project that I had. Ontop of those two things, this week was the opening of Sense and Sensibility and I started out the week with a nasty cold.

Here’s to taking the small baby steps into a healthier journey

Weigh-in #16

Hey hey hey.

I actually did a weigh-in today, huzzah! Last weigh-in, back on the 5th was 306.6. This week I was at…310 again of 3.4lbs.

I could be totally upset by the fact that this time last year I was in the 280s. I could also be upset that I have gained that much in the past couple of weeks, but honestly I am thrilled. With the amount of stress I was under, and the fact that yesterday Rebecca and I polished a bag of crazy bread by ourselves, along with McDonalds egg and cheese biscuit and countless amounts of sodas and powerades I am beyond thrilled. Also, I haven’t been eating the best, and that’s mainly because I don’t have money to buy more things, so it’s make do with what I have or not eat. Since not eating is not an option, I’ll take my what I have in panty carbs and deal with it until I get some more money and can shop for some fresh veggies and fruit.

Hopefully this week I’ll have the keys to my new place (crossing my fingers) and can start moving in! As for the move into Rebecca’s place, you can read my recap on my personal tumblr.

crazy storm is crazy.

I’m back from the ‘Oh-my-God-life-is-hectic” break that I put myself on. Between packing, car appointement, gettting a rental (stupid car), going back for the car an hour before the bachelorette party, wedding rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, hair appointment, wedding, reception, gift opening, Brad’s parent’s anniversary dinner (who I adore and was asked to come celebrate with my now adopted family the day after the wedding) wedding week was rough. So many things went on I could barely sleep, or even think.

And now, it is over. Currently the only things I have to do is wait for condo things to finalize, then begin bringing stuff over. The car, with it’s “cry for an hour” price tag to get fixed is finally fixed, and hopefully won’t have to have anything like it did for a while. We had some crazy storms the other day, three tornadoes touched down here in Louisville! I have a mini liveblogging session on my tumblr. I was stuck at Heather and Brad’s for a while with the tornado sirens going off for about three hours straight. It went from severe thunderstorm, to rain, to sirens, to warning on TV in literally 30 seconds. Caught everyone off guard. Thankfully, none hit near enough to me that I had to go hide in a closet. Most know this, but tornadoes are one of my greatest fears of all time, so it was stressful. The closest hit was Churchill Downs (where the Kentucky Derby is run). It’s about 3-4 miles away from downtown. The barns suffered the most damage, but none of the horses-who were scheduled for races-were hurt or escaped for long nor did anyone else in the living quarters. It was a little more hectic than the last time we had tornado warnings. Besides the fact that we didn’t get any tornadoes to touch down, this time it was four separate storms that brought torrential rain and by the time I left Heather and Brad’s, I basically had to swim home. Fun times. Crazy storm was crazy.

So that’s my life so far. No weigh-ins to report, but I do know that I’ve gained weight. Booze and carbs and being extremely lazy this week is to account for that fact. Obviously last Sunday was too busy for me to focus on anything but wedding stuff so this coming Sunday will be the first one in two (?) weeks. I will say it might be skewed because of the fact that tomorrow is Rebecca’s big move things into the van day so I’ll be non stop moving furniture and other heavy pieces most of the day (with the promise of beer and pizza…so maybe it’ll all balance out).

p.s. Huzzah for post number 42!