Last week I was 304.8 lbs this weekend I am…(drum roll please)
That is an amazing awesome loss of 4.8 lbs from last week, and only 2 pounds away from my lowest weight ever recorded on this journey. I am beyond excited and thrilled about it. I really didn’t think I was going to lose that much weight. My calories have been ok, but there have been a couple of days of not so good calories, and I have not been exercising. I’m not even working right now, and with very little money to my name I haven’t been going out as much so my life is pretty much in a non-exercising mode. I have been doing really well about my choices of food, and have been deligent about measuring out things to get the correct serving size, and not just a guess. I know that realistically that my size and this being a “first” week back on play a huge part in this, and it won’t continue and just become harder to lose weight, but it does help as a motivator to keep on keeping on.
I also have been ridiculously good at the choices I make when I go out. Last night was a party at my bosses house for another one of my boss’s who is going back to school. Now, we knew going in that we were going to get some pretty good food (Heather and I spent a good part of one of our days sorting and putting away Food and Wine and Martha Stewart everything in our magazine stock because Mark donated all his old magazines), but I didn’t realize how much amazing stuff there was. And I’m not saying amazing loosely.
Not only did he have amazing dip appetizers, there were to-die-for brownies, chicken salad (did not eat), biscuits, salad, then later on in the evening the most amazing banana creme pie I had ever tasted plus some local chocolate bourbon goat cheese. Oh. My. God. So much amazing food and while I did partake in most of it (I indulged quite a bit in this one cream cheese dip with toasted bread) I didn’t go as over board as I normally did. I also made sure that during the day on Saturday that I ate better foods, with fewer calories so that I had a pretty good amount of calories for my day in the “bank”. I also allowed myself, if needed about 500 more calories so that it wouldn’t hinder my losing calories for the week, but it wouldn’t be the most needed for 2 pound deficit.
Then, today, I went over to Rebecca’s to hang out with Mercy who is leaving soon. Rebecca ended up making dinner, a full burrito spread. And although I did eat a lot, the amount of things were way less than I normally would have. Instead of 2-3 servings of cheese and sour cream, I had barely a serving- just enough to taste. I had done pretty well during the day, so I actually was pretty far below my calories so I had some leeway. I also stopped at one beer, a rarity for me, but I just didn’t feel the need to drink those empty calories. Usually, not eating here for two nights would have killed me, but I feel that I had everything under control.
In my video I ramble on a bit about a clip I saw on a gossipy type program about a woman who is 600 lbs and wants to gain more to a thousand pounds. As you can tell I, and I’m sure like most people, am completely dumbfounded about this woman and the reasons why she would want to. It’s hard to describe how I don’t understand her, yet do understand in terms of a mental illness. There is something (whether it be small or really large) wrong with her mentally for her to reason in her head that this is something that is ok to strive to. I can’t understand how the mind can work that way, especially when most people who are at the size don’t actually want to be that size, and know that the things they are doing are wrong they just can’t stop and it’s a spiral that keeps going and going.
I state in the video that I hate the life that I have being the size that I am, and I try to explain it but don’t really do a good job. I don’t necessarily hate my life, because I think for the most part I’ve lived an amazing life, and had amazing experiences, but my weight has hindered a lot. I’ve never had a “real” relationship because I’m not comfortable in my own skin and sabotage or break of the relationship, I can’t do terribly active things because I get winded easily (the reason I never really participated in the theatre football games). I have stopped acting and singing completely because I don’t have the confidence that I will ever get a part because of my weight. It’s hard for me to find clothes, and when they do none really look good just ok. Also, they aren’t cheap. Although I’m extremely lucky and was never really picked on for my size (in fact, I was friends/on good terms with pretty much all of the popular kids) I still had the occasions where it would happen to me. Little things effect like being afraid that I can’t fit into a ride, having issues with seatbelts not buckling. It’s all horrible, uncomfortable humiliating things.
For someone, such as this woman, to want those things, and strive to create more obstacles like growing to eventually be so heavy that she would not be able to get out of bed to go to the inevitable soccer game or play, or anything of the like that her youngest daughter will participate in, not being able to go outside to sit in the sunshine and read a book. To not getting to throw snowballs when it snows. To knowing that you have cut you life expectancy in half (or more) is completely foreign to me.
It’s also mind-blowing that everyone seems to be ok with it, and isn’t helping her. Her boyfriend loves her the way she is, and continues to actively support this lifestyle. She eats in front of a webcam and people pay to view her, we put her on a segment on a national show and no one helps her. Someone has got to stop her from doing this voluntarily. She essential has no one that can fight for her to live. It’s just so heartbreaking.
I want to personally thank everyone in my life who has helped me and have wanted nothing but a better life for me. I may have had some upsets in my weight, God knows I have, but it’s never stopped me from wanting to be healthier than I am, and to not giving up even though I have some hiccups along the way.