rainy days.

This is my first post since last week, obviously my goal of writing two post a week is not turning out so well. Such is life I suppose…or at least my life. I’m a tried and true procrastinator especially when I have nothing of importance to say and don’t want to search for the words to say them.This week has been just that…nothing to write about. I did experience a weight loss that I did record on my channel. That was nice.

I am currently enjoying the cold, rainy air outside on my balcony. It’s amazing to finally be getting to consistent fall type weather climates. I absolutely love fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I love everything associated with it. I love the weather, especialy now that I live in  a place that actually has the weather. I love the look of leaves changing. I love the colors. I love pumpkins, apple cider, and root vegetables. Witches, ghosts, and monsters. Scary movies on the TV. Karl and Jay’s never ending list of things to do for Halloween. Thanksgiving plans. I love it all. It makes me happy. This is the time that I enjoy life, especially when it requires being wrapped up in a blanket.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About where my life is, and where it has come from. Some of those thoughts are happy, some are sad, and some are dissapointing. I’ve been mulling over the dissapoint more than I should. I can’t really help. Can anybody really? I mean, we might say that we can just block it out, but there are going to be times you think about it. Whether it be in a passing moment, or when you realize things in life might have been just a bit easier if those dissapointments hadn’t occured.

I’m not who I want to be fully, but in a lot of ways I am. I have found a job I love. I work with an amazing amount of people. Some days are tough, always, but for the most part I am generally content with that aspect. I have a roof over my head, I’m finally getting into my brain to eat better, healthier for me (and the planet), I have kitten who may be a butthead but I love her to pieces so much that I’m willing to find her another cat because I feel horrible to leave her alone during the day.

But theere are some things I’m not happy with. I’m not happy with my body, obviously. But the thing is I’ve shifted to just my weight being a nussance to it really effecting my choices and my self esteem. I have never not been overweight, but back in middle school and high school I didn’t have such a self esteeem problem. Sure, I was still as quiet as ever but I never let things get to me. I think college, and more importantly senior year of college really did damage. Whether the people in my life want to believe it or not a lot of things transpired that made me doubt myself. Doubt myself that I would ever make it in anything. Doubt myself that I could ever be worth something. Doubt myself that the people you love wouldn’t just use you for their own needs, and ruin yours. Doubt that I could do anything. Doubt that I could ever be loved.

It’s so easy to blame others, but it’s just as easy to say that others don’t have some sort of real effect on you. It’s a fact whether we wish to believe or not that no matter what, sometimes our emotions can lead to effecting our psyche. I think it’s just as horrible to blame something fully on someone as it is to say that the reason you feel that way shouldn’t be linked to those events. Sometimes I think about what happened, and get really depressed. I get angry and upset that some sort of karma is not taking over becuase I wish it to be. I want the world to look in my favor, but it doesn’t.

I am slowly trying to accept that to myself. To realize that not everything is going to be fair. Not everything is going to be right. At least not how I want it to be. I need to focus on myself and realize that I am better for having gone through that journey. Knowing who I want to be, and who I want to associate myself with. To realize who is in my life for good, not just for a lesson. There are some lessons I wish I had never gone through, but looking back in the end it has helped me whether I choose to listen to my head or not.

I will never be always ok with that fact…and that’s just how it is. We shouldn’t dwell on the past, but we also shouldn’t dwell on the fact that the past has a way of creeping into our heads and hearts. Making us doubt who we are, and who we will be. It is going to be that way. We are humans.We have emotions. And that is ok.

I am working on slowly loving myself. I haven’t since I let negativity in my life, and the events that I had no control of creeped in. Will it take time? Absolutely. But I am worth. I am worth fighting for what I want for myself. To loving my body, and my mind. For loving the person I was, and the person that I have become. This rocky weight loss journey, as silly as it sounds, really has helped me see the whole picture. Not just a piece. I will find that self assurance again.

I am worth fighting for.

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