I am in no way presentable to make a video, but I wanted to talk so I figured I would write a post. I’ve been a little conflicted in my head, as of late. I know that I’m always roughly that way, but things really have started to bug me. If I let one thing get me down I kind of spiral into this semi-depression and I feel everything is bad, and everything upsets me. I’ve been doing this a lot in concerns to my weight, which has only skyrocketed to turn to my job, and the feeling of no self worth.

I really, really, despise being overweight. Obese. Really. I hate how I feel, I hate how I look. I hate that I have little to no self confidence. I hate that I don’t feel pretty. I hate knowing that I’m going to die because of something I am doing to myself and I hate how I can change it, but I’m not. I can’t get into the mind set of just taking the first few steps. I’ve done it before and have been fairly successful. I am desperate to get back to that, and I really don’t know how. I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this, this internal struggle to want to be better but not doing, especially since work and social life has been kind of slow. I’ve been able to kind of harp on it, and not focus on much of anything else which really isn’t a great situation. Humana is starting up soon, so I know that if I don’t prioritize now, things won’t happen because I simply won’t have time.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll mention it again. I really wish that I could say that I want to lose weight to be healthy and to live longer. And I really have tried to make that my mission, but it’s not. It simply isn’t. I want to lose the weight for all the selfish reasons. I want to look pretty, I want the confidence, I want it to not be a struggle to meet guys that I actually like because of the way I look. I want to find clothes easier. I want sit in a chair and not feel like I’m crowding the other person. The sad thing is, in any other aspect of my life I’m not this. I put others needs before myself. I care more about others than I do myself.

I think I’m slowly coming to realize that part of my struggle with weightloss is the subconscience telling me that I’m wanting to do it for the wrong reasons. That I shouldn’t feel the want to do it for the superficial reasons but do it for my health, and the quality of my life. I’m telling myself that what I’m feeling is not ok, and that I need to think of the greater good as opposed to the shallow self. And this is wrong. Yes, it is great to want to invest a healthy lifestyle because of those reasons but it is ok to want to be completely selfish. It is ok. I’ve been at this weight for so long, been in this self imposed bubble for far too long for it not to be ok to be selfish. For me.

And you know what? That’s what I’m going to do. I’m not saying that I’ll be perfect, or even begin to start being better but I am going to do this on my own terms and for my own reasons. I want to be thin so I can get the attraction of the guys I want. I want to be able to go to the store and find clothes in my size. I want to sit in a chair with my foot up. I want this for my own reasons whether I think they are right or wrong. And dammit, I want to be pretty. I’m not selfish for wanting this for these reasons, and it is ok to think like this. Not everything has to be about other people, I can leave some things for myself.

It’s funny how impowering words can be. Even when they have just been written.