weigh-in #40. exercise. keek.

I am officially under 300 lbs! AHHHH.

I woke up insanely late today, but that was followed by the joyous news that I was 299.6 which is a loss of 2.6 lbs from last week! I am through the roof excited about this. I thought for sure I was going to gain this week. I made the mistake of letting my stomach overpower my head and picked up some bread from the bakery at Kroger. It was gone in two days. Ugh. It was a struggle to keep on track but I did it. Not my finest week eating wise, but I still did something right with that loss, and my eating is far from what it used to be. For that, I’m thankful.

I’ve noticed a trend that it’s really hard to mentally get into things when new situations arise. This week was my first week of calorie counting and not being at work. I rely heavily on work for added movement and no downtime for mindless snacking (especially since going vegan, when someone brings in things like donuts or cake it’s easier to not eat it than before) but here I am at home with no money so I can’t really do things outside of the house to keep me occupied. This happened when MyFitnessPal moved me down in calories the first time. It was rough, but I just have to keep going. If I continue to push, I see results even if I’m not perfect.

I worked out almost every day this week, and I know that helped. A lot. I’ve been loving going to the park and pushing myself to run farther, or walk faster, or go longer. I’ve also been just enjoying it too, and spending time people watching. I’m hoping to continue this trend. Tomorrow I’m going to try for my farthest walk yet: 4 miles. 2.50 miles (which is my loop at Cherokee) is easy. And I’ve walked 3+ miles just as easily (especially when not worrying about pace). I figured it would be a good push.

I’m still going to work on my run/walks. I think it’s a nice push to the workout, and I think it’s good training. I want to begin working on the Couch to 5K program, and I have an app on my iPhone for that, but right now I think it would be a fairly hard, and with leaving for Massachusetts soon I don’t want to start the program and not be able to complete it. I do think that it will be easier once I start if I continue doing the walk/runs so that’s a positive. In a perfect world, I’ll be able to start the plan in Massachusetts. I’ve never been to the theatre, nor the area so I have no clue if that is in the plans. Summer stock is intense, but some theatres are more than others so there is no way I can plan ahead with things.

One thing I have also been doing which I think is fun, is posting on Keek. I had an account for a while and did nothing but look at others videos on it. This past week I started posting on it after workouts. It’s kind of neat, because it’s my true feelings/thoughts after a workout (most have been in my car before leaving) and it’s short and sweet. You only have 36 seconds to upload for Keek. I think I’ll definitely be continuing using it after workouts as a mini visual workout journal.


Weigh-In #37

It’s been a while since I have posted anything. I think this is a direct corralation to the fact that I posted my last weigh-in video really late this week. I had originally intended it for it to be up Tuesday night (when I filmed it) and didn’t realize till Thursday that it had failed. But, I made one! That’s at least some dedication right? I was originally going to do it on Sunday, per norm, but by the time my friend left it was later and I just didn’t feel like doing it. It was purely about laziness than anything else.

I gained .6 last week, which I knew had to be water weight/having had more carby-alcohol than normal close to weigh-in (but still in calories!)/and the arrival of my period that led to the gain. Even knowing this, sometimes it sucks to see the number on the scale go up when you know you’ve been doing excellent. I didn’t really let that get me down, and this past week I had a really awesome week. I went out for walks more, I stayed within calories, I ate relatively good foods, and it paid off. Big time.

This week I weighed in at 304.8 which is a loss of 7.8 lbs. Holy. Crap. You know what the beauty of this number is? I didn’t have to do all that much to attain it. I went for walks, and I ate food at normal portions/calories (my calories are set at 1700 on MyFitnessPal currently) and at normal times, and I didn’t dwell too hard about anything. When I wanted to walk, I walked. If I only wanted to do a mile, I just did a mile. If I was hungry I ate good snacks of fruits, vegetables, and nuts. It’s so inspiring to keep this up when it’s becoming so much more easier. I feel it in my body, and it gives me the confidence to just want to continue. I also have the energy too. It’s harder to do things weighing as much as I do, and just moving a little bit more each day it has led to increased motivation both mentally and physically to just keep doing it.

I am rational, and know that numbers like this directly relate to how overweight I am, and that it could get harder sooner than I think, I still love the way I’m starting to look, and knowing that getting below 300 is a very really possible in just a short time. My lowest weight recorded is 285.2. That was back on August 11th of 2010. Getting down to that is one of my first “goals” that I have had in the back of my head. And it’s so attainable.

let downs.

Lately I’ve been in a slump. I could blame it on personal issues that have happened in the my life, or the fact that I’m working so much, but those are just excuses and shouldn’t really lead to such a “downward spiral” (for lack of a better phrase). I had been going so good in this weight loss journey: tracking, losing weight, eating healthier, sticking to my portions. But these last few weeks I’ve been in this broken record where I’m eating great one day, and the next not so great. Or eating perfect during the day until I get to dinner. I don’t like it, at all. It’s been leading to me indulging in more than I should-more than I want- and this past week’s weigh-in is an indicator of that.

I’m trying so hard to get out of that, but I feel myself slowly slipping back into my old ways. Sleeping in and rushing out the door without breakfast, high calorie snacking, hardly eating anything at lunch and then coming home to high calorie dinners. I don’t like it. Not only do I feel it in my body, but I just feel it in my being. I had this really great thing going where I would wake up in the mornings and have breakfast with green tea. It woke me up, and I felt a little bit better walking out the door to work. And then I would come home and eat a good dinner and end the day with a relaxing cup of tea. I’m not doing any of that now. I haven’t eaten breakfast in probably a week. I don’t even drink the tea because my calories have been up.

It’s a fine line that I’m hovering at. In one hand, I have to see the good that I am doing. The things that I’m doing now that I wouldn’t be doing when times would be like this. I’m still tracking, even if it’s going to tell me I ate 400 more calories than I should have. I still make better choices. But as I said in a post below, just because the bag of chips is half the calories of a normal one, it still doesn’t make eating the whole bag ok. But where do I cross the line of congratulating myself for those better steps, to discouraging the lack of improvement?

I don’t want to let myself down again. I don’t want to slowly give up like I have in the past. It scares me. I don’t want to be obese anymore. I don’t want to be depressed because of my weight. I don’t want to look in the mirror every morning and be disgusted with the body I see. I don’t want to think about the fact that I might die because of my weight. You would think that would be enough to get me into gear. To make me take control of my life. But it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. It’s really hard to see how far you have got, to see other people just have it so much easier. To will myself that I can do it and not look at the countless times in the past I haven’t done it and not think that it’s a hopeless cause. That I’ve already wasted away my years and there is no purpose at all.

Weight loss is so fucking hard. It really is.

weight loss. humana. veganism. birthdays.

It’s been a while since I posted here. Honestly, it’s been a little too hectic in my life to really sit down and write anything. I also really haven’t had anything to say, so that has prevented me from using my energy and free time to post anything of importance. I lost weight this past week, and am feeling really good. I had wanted to get into more of an exercise routine, but I realized after eating horribly a couple of times and still losing that my body is getting plenty of work just being at…well, work. If the past two days of my FitBit are any indication, I think you’ll agree that it’s for the best. I’ve been doing over 10,000 steps just at work alone. While it would be awesome to workout and do as much at work, it really doesn’t make sense to me right now. I don’t have as much free time to devote to it, and if I did I risk cutting into much needed down time and sickness. I can NOT get sick, so I’m doing what’s best for my body now. Once work slows out and I end the season exercise will need to be put back into my every day life. I tell ya, the best diet is the Humana Festival diet.

My vegan diet has been going swimmingly. I love it. It truly is like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. It’s not as hard as I thought it would be, which is even more reassuring that there can be success. That being said, I haven’t been faced with a restaurant or being somewhere where there is next to nothing in vegan choices, but for now it’s great. I really do love it, it’s been putting my mind at ease and I’ve been really creative when it comes to cooking and eating.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 29. Eek! The time flies by so quickly. How am I almost 30? It’s so scary. My parent officially put their house for sale too. The picture of the “For Sale” post my mom sent me in e-mail threw me. I have to make it down during the summer before I don’t have another option too. Life is happening too quickly for me right now. It’s kind of overwhelming. But that’s how it goes, doesn’t it?

Even though those parts of life are going by fast, I’m enjoying my weightloss, my new found diet, and the energy I have regained. Those aspects only push me to know that I am in the right path, and I want to do everything I can to continue. I even synced my twitter account with my youtube. That’s huge for me, I’m a pretty private person (especially when it comes to people I actually know) so unlocking that one step was a huge turning point for me. Doing the videos and keeping up with the blog is helping me come out of my shell a little bit more. Babys steps, but I’m getting there

weightloss, documentaries, and veganism.

Yesterday was weigh-in and I lost 2 lbs! I was super, no good, very bad, this week calorie wise though. The only explanation I have from the loss is the fact that during the day during those bad times I was super on point with calories, and I think a combination of that and my body needing more calories from work (overtime + doing exercise-type jobs like scrapping wine labels off of bottles for 2 hours straight) helped even out everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love the loss, but those days of binging are not good. At all. I need to work on that this week (hello, broken record Jessie. Remember saying that last week?) and get back to eating healthier foods.

On the healthier foods point, I spent all of my Sunday doing nothing but laundry and in the glorious trap that is Netflix instant queue. More specifically: the documentaries. I love watching them, I always get inspired and learn new things. It was a nice way to veg out and not do anything that was work. I ended up watching a series of documentaries: Vegucated, No Impact Man, and Forks Over Knives.

It’s no secret that I have been wanting to go vegan for a while. Years ago I thought it wasn’t something I could do. I was also kind of scared. What if I mess up? What if people judge me because I’m fat and I’m vegan? For years I’ve been a vegetarian (and most of my life semi-vegetarian), and it wasn’t really hard for me. It was hard when I would come to struggles like dining hall food in college, or instant cravings for food of the fast food variety, but other than that it was easy. I like vegetables, I like vegetarian foods, I enjoy the impact I have in terms of animal rights. Hell, I even eat most meals vegan. But for the past couple of years, something in my gut always told me that wasn’t enough.

I’m not going to stand on a soapbox and say that eating animal products is bad and that you are monster if you do. I think everyone has to decide what’s right for them, and at least hear the other person’s side on why it is important to them. In my heart I knew that just giving up meat wasn’t enough. I knew about what was happening in the dairy and egg farms, and by eating those products I was still hurting animals.

So, for the past year I have been slowly fazing out animal products in favor of vegan alternatives (or something completely different). I still ate cheese from time to time, and had things like yogurt or cottage cheese. I didn’t even think about it when I was out at meals, it was hardly ever vegan. I wasn’t super awesome about checking product labels, so things like bread would normally not be vegan. Frozen items generally had cheese. Then, a couple of months (maybe more?) I thought about fully switching over. I wrote a post about it, possibly on Tumblr? I wanted to do it slowly and finally get there.

If there is anything I can say about my life is that doing things “slowly” doesn’t work out for me. I have to just up and do it. No ifs, ands, or buts. Just do it. I wanted to stop biting my nails? I just do it. I wanted to learn how to tie my shoe? Just did it. I wanted to give up red meat and pork when I was in middle school? Just did it. I wanted to start losing weight? After months (years) of me starting “slowly” it took one day for me just to pick up MyFitnessPal and just do it. And here I am, more than 20 pounds lighter.

Those documentaries really got to me, as they should, but also my heart got to me. I just can’t deal with that dread I feel inside. I’m not perfect, and never will be. That’s the beauty of ” just doing it”. There will always be set backs (hello last two weeks of high calorie days) but it’s the just do it mentality that gets past those upsets and continues on to the next day, afresh.

I’m going vegan.

I think I’ll be a lot happier in the long run.


Weigh-in #7


So let’s talk about this past weekend. I was all prepared to go out to the infield at Churchill Downs and have the time of my life with my friends Mercy, Rebecca, along with Rebecca’s brother and his friends. And then I spent some time thinking about it and realized that I really didn’t have the money to buy the ticket into the infield, and the amount of money spent on other things like alcohol and food (alcohol is not allowed in, but can be bought there, although I am proud of Mercy who I think wins the best way to sneak in alcohol award by using her hair). So, I ended up going over to Rebecca’s empty house, with no parties to go to since everyone I knew was at Churchill or at work, and did laundry, played with her two dogs, and just had a lazy Saturday. Her house is 2 miles from Churchill so it was almost like I was there! It’s sad, but there is always next year, which I plan to save up for and without a doubt go to.

This past Sunday I officially stepped back on the scale to start weigh-ins again. I was scared what it was going to be, since I have only been tracking my calories this past week, and even then I was consistently going over. I was scared what those weeks of doing that every day would have done to my progress. I was also scared because I decided that this weigh-in would be my first weigh-in that I announced over on my Youtube Channel. Writing it is entirely different then saying it out loud.

So, I figured out it might get a little confusing since it is Weigh-in #1 on video, but it is officially my Weigh-in #7 in total. We’ll see if it gets too annoying and I’ll have to fix it.

As you can tell from my video, my weigh-in was at 304.8. My last recorded weigh-in was on the 14th of February and it was at 298, which means that I have gained 6.8 lbs. I was honestly shocked when I stepped on the scale, not because of the gain, but how little it was. I had gotten on the scale a couple of weeks ago, right after the time of my birthday where I went out for every meal for probably a week, and then it had said I was 314. I was scared to death that it crept up farther and that when I stepped on it this time, I would have gained every last pound that I had lost. That’s not the case, I am proud to say. It’s a real wake up call, and it’s definitely motivated me to keep up my calorie counting, and slowly get back into a steady workout routine so that I can get back to the 298, and go even farther. I’ve done it before, there is nothing that can stop me from doing it again.

Maybe I’ll gain one week, and maybe I wont, maybe I’ll lose for a couple of weeks. It doesn’t matter how I get there. It’s continuously getting back on track and not letting the upsets of yesterday effect the today, the present, the now. We all fall off the horse. Some people jump up and get back on, others lay there for a while before getting on, and others get up and walk away. It doesn’t matter. As long as you get back up on that horse, and not walk away, you are not a failure, you are not giving up. I feel that I was laying down on the ground for a while these past couple of months, and I realized that I needed to get back up on the horse. I love horses, and horseback riding, so why should one little upset prevent me from never doing that again? I love my life, why should I let one upset ruin it, and quite possibly lead to death because of complications of my health in being this overweight.

Yesterday I also decided to try my hand at black bean burgers, which I haven’t ever made for myself but have ate plenty at restaurants. I had a recipe in my Spingpad (which I have been wanting to write up a post about, I might do later on) that I wanted to try from the time I saw the post over at Eating Bird Food come up in my reader.

Oh. My. God. They are amazing! So easy, so cheap, very little time and ingredients and fantastic. The recipe can be found here. Seriously, go try them. I’m having them for lunch. Love them! I know what I’ll be living off of this summer while in VA for my summerstock gig.

Happy birthday Shakespeare!

Theatre is my life, and it’s only fitting to at least celebrate a talented playwright who helped bring it the masses!

So, it’s currently my fourth day of my personal 21 day challenge and it’s been going ok. The one thing that I am finding difficult is the amount of water I have to take in a day. Using the general water rule (take 1/2 of your body weight, and that is how many ounces of water to drink-to maintain a generally non active state), I have to take in 150 oz.

That is more than twice the standard “8 glasses of water a day”, and it’s hard. Not only am I consuming so much water that I’m getting sick of it (or really bored), but I feel like it becomes a burden. I have to make sure I drink my 16 oz water bottle in full almost every hour that I’m awake. And then on top of it, I have to go to the bathroom more, especially right before going to bed. I have always had issues with going to sleep (my mom used to tell me stories of how she would put me in the crib, come check up on me and I’d be standing there just looking around and not crying but also not going to sleep), and the disruptiveness of this act is becoming a nuisance. It’s harder now that I’m not working, since I don’t feel the “need” for the water. It’s an obstacle I need to overcome, and hopefully this 21 day challenge will help that. It does make it a little bit harder, but none of this journey is easy, right?

While on the elevator coming back to the apartment from going to Lowes and picking up some plants for the apartment, I overheard some guys that I was sharing the elevator with talking about how they had just picked up their registration packet for the Derby Marathon happening tomorrow. This got me thinking about how much I wish that I could be doing that. One of the things that I’ve wanted to accomplish and has been in the back of my brain is to run. Right now, in my current physical state, I barely can run a minute without feeling like my lungs are going to rip out of my chest. I can remember one year while I was in middle school, we had to do laps every Friday. I started by walking most, and then I slowly started running to certain points. I would tell myself “Run to that tree, and then you can walk for a bit”. Every week I would up it, and by the end of the year I remember finding out how much my time had changed and really felt accomplished.

I’ve always wanted to start a Couch to 5k program, but always become mentally stopped. Why? Because I am paranoid about the way people would view me while out in public running and stopping as much. It’s something that really stops me from doing it. I’m fine with walking, but when I have to do something that shows how physically out of shape I really am, it frightens me to think about what people are thinking about me. I do the same thing with gyms. If I’m not going with a friend, it’s hard for me to work up the courage to work out when there are other people around who are physically more fit than me. I hate that I think that way, and I try really hard to not do that, but it ends up not working.

Does anyone else feel this way? I’m still working out the answers as to how I can get past this mental block. I have friends who have said that they would run with me, and that’s fine if it were to go workout on individual equipment, but they are runners themselves and I would feel that I would be keeping them back from getting the most out of their exercise, and I’d feel bad about that. I think one day I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and do it. For most of the stuff in my life, once I just dive right in I’m fine. Until then it’s still a major obstacle that I need to overcome. I am so jealous of everyone who is constantly signing up for marathons or runs and coming back with stories of how they beat their personal record, how much fun they had, how their sense of accomplishment afterword, even the medals and t-shirts make me jealous. I guess if I ever want to make it happen, I need to do it right and stop letting myself mentally not?

Easier said than done.