rainy days.

This is my first post since last week, obviously my goal of writing two post a week is not turning out so well. Such is life I suppose…or at least my life. I’m a tried and true procrastinator especially when I have nothing of importance to say and don’t want to search for the words to say them.This week has been just that…nothing to write about. I did experience a weight loss that I did record on my channel. That was nice.

I am currently enjoying the cold, rainy air outside on my balcony. It’s amazing to finally be getting to consistent fall type weather climates. I absolutely love fall. It is my favorite time of the year. I love everything associated with it. I love the weather, especialy now that I live in  a place that actually has the weather. I love the look of leaves changing. I love the colors. I love pumpkins, apple cider, and root vegetables. Witches, ghosts, and monsters. Scary movies on the TV. Karl and Jay’s never ending list of things to do for Halloween. Thanksgiving plans. I love it all. It makes me happy. This is the time that I enjoy life, especially when it requires being wrapped up in a blanket.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About where my life is, and where it has come from. Some of those thoughts are happy, some are sad, and some are dissapointing. I’ve been mulling over the dissapoint more than I should. I can’t really help. Can anybody really? I mean, we might say that we can just block it out, but there are going to be times you think about it. Whether it be in a passing moment, or when you realize things in life might have been just a bit easier if those dissapointments hadn’t occured.

I’m not who I want to be fully, but in a lot of ways I am. I have found a job I love. I work with an amazing amount of people. Some days are tough, always, but for the most part I am generally content with that aspect. I have a roof over my head, I’m finally getting into my brain to eat better, healthier for me (and the planet), I have kitten who may be a butthead but I love her to pieces so much that I’m willing to find her another cat because I feel horrible to leave her alone during the day.

But theere are some things I’m not happy with. I’m not happy with my body, obviously. But the thing is I’ve shifted to just my weight being a nussance to it really effecting my choices and my self esteem. I have never not been overweight, but back in middle school and high school I didn’t have such a self esteeem problem. Sure, I was still as quiet as ever but I never let things get to me. I think college, and more importantly senior year of college really did damage. Whether the people in my life want to believe it or not a lot of things transpired that made me doubt myself. Doubt myself that I would ever make it in anything. Doubt myself that I could ever be worth something. Doubt myself that the people you love wouldn’t just use you for their own needs, and ruin yours. Doubt that I could do anything. Doubt that I could ever be loved.

It’s so easy to blame others, but it’s just as easy to say that others don’t have some sort of real effect on you. It’s a fact whether we wish to believe or not that no matter what, sometimes our emotions can lead to effecting our psyche. I think it’s just as horrible to blame something fully on someone as it is to say that the reason you feel that way shouldn’t be linked to those events. Sometimes I think about what happened, and get really depressed. I get angry and upset that some sort of karma is not taking over becuase I wish it to be. I want the world to look in my favor, but it doesn’t.

I am slowly trying to accept that to myself. To realize that not everything is going to be fair. Not everything is going to be right. At least not how I want it to be. I need to focus on myself and realize that I am better for having gone through that journey. Knowing who I want to be, and who I want to associate myself with. To realize who is in my life for good, not just for a lesson. There are some lessons I wish I had never gone through, but looking back in the end it has helped me whether I choose to listen to my head or not.

I will never be always ok with that fact…and that’s just how it is. We shouldn’t dwell on the past, but we also shouldn’t dwell on the fact that the past has a way of creeping into our heads and hearts. Making us doubt who we are, and who we will be. It is going to be that way. We are humans.We have emotions. And that is ok.

I am working on slowly loving myself. I haven’t since I let negativity in my life, and the events that I had no control of creeped in. Will it take time? Absolutely. But I am worth. I am worth fighting for what I want for myself. To loving my body, and my mind. For loving the person I was, and the person that I have become. This rocky weight loss journey, as silly as it sounds, really has helped me see the whole picture. Not just a piece. I will find that self assurance again.

I am worth fighting for.

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Weigh-In #16 (per my Youtube channel)

This week I weighed in at 324, a loss of 1.2 lbs! I’m super excited about this, because I continued my slow introduction into this weight loss change, and only made mental notes of what I ate, and nothing more.

Because of the loss, I felt the need to up my game, and I am currently logging everything I eat. I’m not counting calories, but I am writing down everything. I feel that doing this, and getting into a routine of chronicling my eating, it will not only help me focus more on the types of food I eat, but help with portions and mindless eating. I think it will also help when I gradually introduce calorie counting back – the bane of my existence! I hope that getting used to writing down everything I eat will help ease my frustrations with calorie counting, because it has been proven to work for me

tired.

Hello. Here it is the end of the week and I am just now writing my second post of the week, right after filming my second video. Procrastinator, that is what I am. I’ll make this entry short and sweet, considering I don’t have too much to write about.

This week has been ok.  A little busy which is part of the reason I haven’t done this post until now. If there were more hours in the day, or if we didn’t have to sleep I would get a bunch of things done. Sadly that’s not the case and here I am making a video at 8 am on a Saturday morning because someone (I’m looking at you, Lizzy) had to stand on me and purring in my face at 7 am.

I’ve spent a while thinking, and I think this week is when I kind of push up the diet to a new level. I have spent these past few weeks just watching at what I ate, not really doing anything to it, just observing. Now, I need to start writing down each little thing. Start off at the basics. Journaling helped, so it’s a no-brainer to start it again.

Until tomorrow for the weigh-in…

to look to the future

Hi!

So, if you hadn’t realized I started back on my Youtube channel (finally!) and I’m super excited about it even though I wasn’t super excited to tell the world my super high weight. I’ve made it my mission that no matter what I will do at least two videos a week on that channel. I still weigh-in on Sundays, but in the cases of days I forget to weigh-in I’ll still make a video to make up for that whether it be a recipe, or to just talk to the camera randomly. On that front, I’ve decided to propose a challenge to myself on this blog as well. Call it the September challenge if you will. I will blog at least 3 times a week.

Last week my weigh-in was at 325.2. I know, I know. Trust me, I’m still trying to cope with it. When you’ve jumped up that high it makes it really hard to reevaluate what to do and move forward. But, I keep telling myself not to dwell in the past, but to look to the future. I can’t get higher, I don’t want to get higher. I’ve got to move my butt and get my weight down! I’ve notice the weight doing terribly things to me physically. I don’t want to do anything just because normal activities make me more tired than ever and that absolutely scares me. I don’t like how I look, I can’t fit into any of the jeans that I could months ago, work is harder, doing things after work like extra work or going out takes a lot of me. I look horrible and most days don’t even want anyone to see me. I don’t want this cycle to continue, and I absolutely do not to gain more weight. Period.

So what am I going to do? Start from the absolute very beginning. Watching what I eat and making subtle choices, then gradually over time step it up more. I’m going to post more on this site, and post more on Youtube because when I have something to do with all the change and the (hopeful) weight loss it’s really empowering to be able to track it down and see it on paper. The things that helped me before, I’m just going to do and not wine about it (like I have).

This weeks weigh-in came out to a maintain. I didn’t do anything this week but regroup and think about things. I’ve also had two big things happen this week. Not to make excuses, but lets be real that life does make an absolute impact on emotions and the way they handle things. First, was completing a huge outside gig which Heather and I realized half way through that we shouldn’t have accepted, and the second and best thing-in my opinion- is that I got a cat! Well, kitten. She’s 6-7 months old, and absolutely adorable. I got her from a friend who had been fostering her since they found her in the alley next to their house. Her name is Lizzy and she’s a calico. I think she is finally getting used to things, and realizing that she finally has a home and has become more playful and rambunctious. I don’t think she’s really had a kitten life yet and she’s finally getting that combined with a whole house of toys and consistent good food and water. The only problem is that she loves 6 am 🙂 Second was finishing a huge project that I had. Ontop of those two things, this week was the opening of Sense and Sensibility and I started out the week with a nasty cold.

Here’s to taking the small baby steps into a healthier journey